Where's My Emmy? 2007

Do you think the Emmys are more interesting if you are sitting there in person? Maybe if you had a frontal view? It does seem rather self-important. Or maybe it's all an elaborate joke: we're only pretending this is important!

So why are we listening to these actors thank people we've never heard of? Shouldn't it be in a heartfelt note on nice stationary? Is it good entertainment? We get lame jokes with wooden teleprompter delivery. These are actors, right? And they did rehearse...can't the presenters memorize 90 seconds of speech?! And the musical Jersey Boys lip-to-lip synced their way through "who loves yooooou, pretty baaaay-bee."

Oh dear. Well, let's get on with it. In a somewhat chronological fashion, here are style thoughts wielded with a knife.

Nearly everyone seemed a bit uncomfortable with the in-the-round set. You could almost imagine the whole 'backside' half of the audience was comprised of those life-size cutout photographs. Those were certainly the cheap seats where they stuck the crews with unrecognizable faces– hence the awkward about-face on camera when a winner thanked the little people.

So what about those fashions? Of course we picked out favorite dresses: the beautiful deep lavendar silk on Helen Mirren and the full, champagne number on Heroes star Hayden Panettiere. The gowns are flattering, timeless, unconventional for the times. Alright, Helen's hair was terrible. But her facelift is aging well, although the neck under the chin looks a tad pulled to me.

Whatever sartorial elegance the others were striving for was completely undone by wearers' graceless bearing. Why can't more of these women learn how to walk in a gown?!! They stagger side-to-side like they're off to a hoe-down. For heaven's sake, they're actresses! Oh, don't get me started. Katherine Heigl in her lovely hair and Zac Posen gown practically throws her skirt over her shoulder to hike up the stage steps without tripping. These are custom made couture gowns worth tens of thousands of dollars. Learn to walk in them like you own them.

Best dressed, overacting male nominee? Lost Terry O'Quinn (55) hands down. The fuschia shirt was a great standout look in the sea of b&w television. He really pulled it off, though I notice he's been a (upper) denture wearer for some time. You can see the bone reabsorption in the shortened maxilla and hear it in how he pronounces a few words. But he has a real (chubby) wife. I forgive him anything!

Ryan Seacrest may fake knowing fashion as he demonstrated by 'guessing' Eva Longoria's Lacroix shoes (about the same height as his own heels, hmmm...), but he doesn't wear it. Seacrest's shiny tux looked like he recycled a yard waste bag and rip-off tie strip is substituting for neckware. And who puts a necktie on a tux, anyway? Over half the male audience, I guess. Well, it is the Emmys.

And didn't it seem absurd for Seacrest not to mention Sally Field's two Oscar wins or her Emmy for Sybil as evidence of her talent? Why bring up Gidget and The Flying Nun?

"At the heart of Nora Walker, she is a mother, so surely this belongs to all the mothers of the world. May they be seen, may their work be valued. . . And to especially the mothers who stand with an open heart and wait, wait for their children to come home, from danger, from harm's way and from war. I am proud to be one of those women," Sally Field said (she plays a character whose youngest son was deployed at the end of the show's last season). "And let's face it: If the mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddamn war in the first place!"

Do you think Rupert Murdoch's Fox Network censored Sally Field for her vocabulary or the content of her political statement? Field's (60) facelift has aged well, although in 2005 she has pledged with Jane Fonda (69) to have no more plastic surgery going forward.

It seemed that the best extemporanous speeches were those given by film actors. Compare Robert Duval's sincerity or Helen Mirren's poise and polish with the television actors babblings and certain conlusions jump to mind.

It didn't win, but the hilarious nomination of Real Time with Bill Mahr for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series made hometown Minnesotans proud. Our MSP airport mensroom makes us a 'fly-in' state now! Jon Stewart won anyway, though I could swear he had makeup covering a cold sore. Nope, I'm wrong: just a funny upper lip.

Alec Baldwin obviously decided that with global warming and fall temperatures in the 80s we can wear white after Labor Day. I wonder if they sat him next to Al Gore? And wasn't it gratifying to have our chubby, national father-figure inspire the longest standing ovation of the evening?

Lewis Black should not have had Botox placed in his forehead. He's a raging comedian with pacing issues, he needs his full facial expressions! Watch the lateral side of his brows shoot up while the medial corrugators stay depressed and sprung apart. His fashion choice is a compelling statement why men with fat necks should not wear spread collars– but the Windsor knot on his tie was in place for once.

And my last thought? Actually a plea, really. Tell me, please, what did director Alan Taylor say to his wife Nickie and in what language??


Like the music we played on air?