Which Breasts Are Best?

Let's go back to the question of breasts today– and get over it! This month's Jane magazine polled 600 adult women about their breasts: 74% of those surveyed said they were dissatisfied with the shape and size of their own breasts. Let's get this fixed.



























No, Jessica Simpson is not the real thing nor should any woman compare herself to silicone-enhanced breasts. It's like comparing apples and oranges. They're not the same fruit. But just to convince you, let's walk through how the all-seeing eye-of-Anne knows when those ta-tas are altered.

What gives away breast implants? Capsules, growth spurts, ripples, tunnel cleavage, adhesions, rimming, hardness, distortion, disproportion, immobility, scars, supernatural suspension. Shall we illustrate this?

Here's a candid picture of the original equipment from early in her career. Jessica Simpson's breast appear to be a small C-cup, her father's groping comments aside. She's 18 or so in this picture, about the time when breast growth is complete (pregnancy-related changes excluded). In the last eight years, however, Jessica Simpson has had some unusual growth spurts...and even more unusual circumscribed 'weight loss'...all in her breasts. They've been in, they've been out, they've been in again. Currently they appear to be out. Cue the music— "Thanks for the Many Mammaries." Does any of it make her look more or less beautiful? You decide.

In 1992 the FDA effectively took silicone breast implants off the cosmetic market and only recently re-approved them for elective augmentation surgery. Last November the FDA lifted its 14 year near-ban on silicone gel implants. None of this slowed down the current wild popularity of bigger bazooms through plastic surgery.

The viscosity of the filling material is what distinguishes the feel of the augmented breast, since all implants use silicone outer shells. Saline implants are round and filled with simple salt water. Most of what you see on inflated chests is in fact saline-filled and a poor substitute for real mammary tissue. These surgically implanted sacs can feel akin to a waterbed—especially during physical activity. Silicone implants, by contrast, are filled with a synthetic gel, a consistency not unlike a weak squeeze ball. Silicone gel also comes in a variety of shapes and conforms more closely with the natural tear-drop shape of real breasts. Saline implants have a round, balloon-ish quality and are much easier to spot with a quick glance.

A lot of women opt for subglandular placement (under the mammary tissue, over the pectoral muscle). The advantages? It can postpone a breast lift (mastopexy), by adding volume to counter mild sag (ptosis), but this is temporary. Keep in mind that the only thing supporting the implant is the elastic integrity of the skin and breast tissue.

Paula Abdul shows the perils of too much, too late. A subglandular placement requires less recovery time with less post-op discomfort, since the muscles are left intact. Actresses and strippers also prefer it for the enhanced projection. Conversely, a very large implant placed sub-muscular (without tissue expansion which is what post-mastectomy patients undergo) is agony. But it looks more natural.

Other disadvantages to a subglandular placement? Ripples and adhesions. As the implant drops, or settles into place, the surface of the shell can pull on the scar capsule, which in turn pulls on the skin. This produces traction rippling ala Beyonce.

A lot of surgeons operate through incisions you might not guess. The trendiest is transumbilical (TUBA), an approach through a naval incision. Transaxillary (armpit incision) is also popular. An incision hidden in the inframmamary fold (crease under the breast) or peri-areolar are the most common and can give truth to the lie. It also often impairs nipple sensation. Poor Tara Reid.

Placement of the breast implant over the pectoral muscle (subglandular) is very obvious in thin women with little natural breast tissue. The highly technical description is generally "bolt-on breasts." In Hollywood you really can be too rich and too thin. Just Victoria Beckham.

The most common cause of an unnatural appearance? Capsular contracture occurs when the scar tissue that naturally forms around the implant tightens and squeezes the implant into a hard, unnatural appearance. The previous older generation of silicone breast implants were particularly prone to this. No surgeon can completely control for the vagaries of healing and this has caused many stars, from Demi Moore to Courtney Love, to undergo multiple breast operations.

And most tellingly, when you squeeze on a breast– say with a tight bodice– the outline of any subglandular implant becomes more obvious, particularly in thinner, Hollywood-type women. The demarcation of the upper rim of the implant is a dead giveaway. It doesn't happen in nature.

Real, voluminous breasts look like Scarlett Johansson's "girls" in a fitted gown: pillowy with no tunnels in sight.


Hear Anne live on the Kevyn Burger show Thursdays featuring Knifestyles of the Rich & Famous.

Dish with Lori & Julia

Today we dish with Lori & Julia on FM107. And what do inquiring minds want to know? For starters there's the ta-tas poll published in this month's In Touch magazine: top breasts in Hollywood. The number 1, 2, and 3 positions are held by Scarlett Johansson (22), Salma Hayek (39), Jessica Simpson (26). The tag line is that "they aren't afraid to embrace what nature gave them." Oh, boys and girls, it's a sad, sad day when Anne has to let you down, but...not everything in Hollywood is real.

Yes, we're here to tell you that only one of the above lovelies is wrapping her arms around what nature gave her. The other two are clutching silicone. In an interview, Scarlett Johansson talks about stripping nude for roles: “I’m proud of my breasts. I call them my girls. They’re my charms, my feminine wiles. I’m very comfortable with my sexuality, my body and my face…” In this picture you can see 'the girls' as no surgeon would have ever left them: soft, low, and asymmetric. And, as anyone who's viewed the opening frames of Lost In Translation knows, what you see coming you also get going: body fat is rarely distributed in isolation.

Our other two top polling place winners are sporting the handiwork of a surgeon. Do we really have to tell you that Jessica Simpson has implants? They're as fake as her front teeth.

Actress Salma Hayek sports a look not found in nature: Barbie® is a fiction. How can we be so sure? Just check out the photos from before and after and you decide. Outside of pregnancy, no woman grows breasts in adulthood. Both women appear to have had multiple sets placed.

Says Hayek: "I find it very boring to have to be skinny all the time. It bores me and makes me bitchy. And yet in Hollywood it’s okay if you’re a bitch - as long as you’re skinny!"
Oddly enough, these stripper-size implants make petite women look heavier, unless their clothes are skin-tight or nearly off.

And then there is the question of noses. Jessica Simpson is rumored to have undergone a competitive sibling rhinoplasty (see the post about her sister). Salma Hayek certainly underwent a very skillful tip rhinoplasty well before her breasts.

And what other nose has caught the eagle eyes of Lori & Julia? Michelle Pfeiffer turns 49 this month:

“When I’m rested, I look pretty darn OK. I can hold off on that facelift for another few years....(But) when I’m feeling weary, then I think, maybe I better make that appointment.”

Pfeiffer's nose is narrow and pinched, very 'tippy,' and the nostrils are notched. It's also gotten even thinner with age. All of this is unfortunately common, post-rhinoplasty, in patients with aggressive surgeons– and constitutes an 'over-operated look' (albeit in a very beautiful face). Her nose has looked like that her entire film career; check out stills from 1982 Grease 2. It could be a rare case of nature imitating art. Probably the only way to know for sure about whether her nose has undergone the knife is to locate a high-resolution picture from her high school days.

Courtney Love's (42) nose has certainly been all over the place. In December of 2006 she traveled to France for reconstructive surgery. Very few surgeons are skilled enough to resurrect a nose after it's been previously operated: it's a sub-subspecialty. Why is it difficult? Not only is her tip cartilage over-resected, her nose is very crooked. Revision of a twisted nose is probably the most technically challenging rhinoplasty. The surgeon must correct the septal deviation as well as straighten the 'nasal pyramid,' the bony framework supporting the tissue. And don't forget, you want to breathe through it. Sometimes the nose can be made completely straight; usually some tissue memory persists, reappearing six months to a year post-repair. That's why in the past Courtney Love's nose has sometimes looked relatively good (left) and then not-so-good. To date, her nose has been operated on four times.

The French surgeon also removed the hideous implant material from her lips (probably some form of Gortex). The post-surgical swelling she displayed (far left) at Hilary Swank’s Freedom Writers movie premiere in January 2007 was normal. Once it subsided enough for the result to be evident, she went in March for yet a third revision, probably a dorsal onlay and/or tip graft (near left) along with injected lip filler. She also announced that she had her breast implants removed. And no, she hasn't had a gastric band placed. It's just good old-fashioned weight loss and left-over lumpy liposuction.

And now you know.


Hear Anne live on the Kevyn Burger show 11:00 to noon every Thursday featuring Knifestyles of the Rich & Famous.