Best Breast Forward (A-Cup)

Who's flat and happy? A sizable portion of the young Hollywood A-list is also an A-cup. Here's just a sampling of those born to be boyish and not about to change it (we think).


(Go ahead, guess which breasts go with which celebrity; scroll for hints*.)

A lot of fuss was recently kicked up when Keira Knightley (23) recently refused to have her mammaries digitally enhanced in publicity stills for her upcoming film "The Duchess."

But Knightley plays both sides. For the 2004 film promotion of "King Arthur" she was unaltered as the leather-clad Guinevere – but only in Great Britain. For the U.S. audience the studio supersized her natural A-cup chest to a boomy C-cup (the actual film must have been a twin disappointment.)

Knightley has previously spoken out in defense of photoshopping celebrities into an altered state by rationalizing that actresses are in the fiction business – and just as movies are all about fiction, so are posters and magazine pictures. "Films particularly deal with fantasy," she said.

The trend to be thin and bone in Hollywood dictates that most young starlets will have very little breast tissue – unless they undergo surgical augmentation. No amount of tape will make cleavage out of 32-AA. A tight corset and "bosom makeup" will hint at it, though.

There are very practical up-sides to being less well-endowed. Diane Keaton was able to appear attractively nude at 57 (albeit with a LOT of body makeup) in the 2003 "Something's Gotta Give." At the same age the lovely Scarlett Johansson's body is going to look like Kathy Bates in "About Schmidt." Only the slight (and childless) age gracefully.


Of course if one gets pregnant or eats, things get bigger: breast tissue is mostly fat. Ask Renee Zellweger.

But the truth is, flat-chested women are easier to dress than their DD sisters as any designer will confirm. There's a reason the catwalk models are rail thin adolescents. A very busty woman will end up looking heavy in anything that isn't skin-tight. Just try putting Pamela Anderson into a double- breasted jacket or high neckline!

There is probably never going to be a celebrity who will trade on a AA size bust the way Dolly Parton and Anderson have built a career on their twin peaks. But there is definitely room in Hollywood for big talent with small breasts.

Music from the show:

My Boobs Are Ok-Lene Alexandra

My Humps-Black Eyed Peas



*and about those breasts....

The Flesh Trade (Prostitution)

Rumor has it that Wall Street traders now believe in God.

Today we talk about the flesh trade practices of the rich and famous.

Well, perhaps $80,000 less rich over an unspecified period of time. Soon-to-be-former Governor Spitzer paid $4,300 for his pre-valentine's day date and there was a "credit" left over for future sessions. It's hard to imagine what came up.

We now know that the hourly rate for high-end prostitution beats most day jobs. The Emperors' top (and questionable) fee of $31,000 per day was more than even Britain's wealthiest man was willing to pop for: the "dull and demanding" Duke of Westminster topped out at the $1,000/hour services. Supposedly, the Emperors Club set its fees according to the “individual education, sophistication and and ambiance created by each of our models.” But maybe that's not what famous men want when they visit prostitutes.

Prostitution is defined as sexual activity in exchange for remuneration. On screen it's simulated but the transaction still takes place: it's sex for money. Off-screen at the Emperors Club VIP it's the real thing.

Just how many degrees of separation are there between the high priced hookers at the Emperors Club and the Hollywood actresses who use their sexuality to achieve a similarly exalted paycheck?

There are, of course, the stars who consent to play hookers on screen. So many, in fact, that prostitute roles (and all the euphemistic variations) are cliche. And then there are the hookers who service the stars out on the street (hello Hugh, hello Divine). And there are even the hookers turned screenwriters who win Oscars for their work (you didn't think she was born with the name Diablo Cody, did you?).

But the real money is in pandering to the movie-going John. It's the fans that buy the simulated sex on the screen. Showing bare breast in a Hollywood movie is de rigueur for actresses high and low. Why? Because it sells.

At it's most crass is Lindsay Lohan ripping off Marilyn Monroe with photographer Bert Stern's help. (Both the breasts and sun damaged skin are real.)

There are websites devoted to cataloguing every instance of "breasts, bush, buns" on film. Maintained by a crack cadre of skinterns, these movie reviewers are the unsung trainspotters of titillation. One celebrity nude database allows you to search on any actress's (or actor's) name and find out which pieces of flesh appeared in which film. For instance, Nicole Kidman has done her typical role, frosty and naked, in 15 mainstream films to date. Go ahead, try to find a prominent actress who hasn't flashed on-screen.

There are some striking gender differences. Despite films to the contrary (in The Wedding Date Debra Messing rents escort Dermot Mulroney for $6,000 plus first-class trans-Atlantic airfare), very few women are interested in paying thousands of dollars for hired sex. We pay in other ways.

Maybe that's why very, very few Hollywood films feature male genitalia on screen. Or even a naked rear end. In Somethings Gotta Give (2003) we get three opportunities for a leisurely study of Jack Nicholson's prosthetic buttocks, but it was was Diane Keaton who gave a full frontal. (Faithful readers, not one image could I find online.)

In Eastern Promises (2007), Viggo Mortensen sports nothing but his tattoos in probably the most violent four-minute screen fight to date. But it is one of the very rare instances in mainstream film where a major male character is shown fully nude.

Boyish actor Emile Hirsch floats naked Into the Wild (2007) as Chris McCandless. Briefly. In the distance.

None of the above film portrayals of male genital gee-whiz involve any sexual simulation stimulation. The closest we get may be Brokeback Mountain (2005). And you still had to use your imagination to visualize the naughty bits.

An explicit male nude scene is invariably hailed as evidence of an actor's "serious commitment to the role." When an actress takes her clothes off, everyone knows that line is a joke.

Women disrobe on-screen with a thousand-fold greater frequency because they're selling. They're selling to the movie industry to get the role and ultimately to the movie-going John. Men just don't have to put out to make it in Hollywood.