Where's My Emmy? 2007

Do you think the Emmys are more interesting if you are sitting there in person? Maybe if you had a frontal view? It does seem rather self-important. Or maybe it's all an elaborate joke: we're only pretending this is important!

So why are we listening to these actors thank people we've never heard of? Shouldn't it be in a heartfelt note on nice stationary? Is it good entertainment? We get lame jokes with wooden teleprompter delivery. These are actors, right? And they did rehearse...can't the presenters memorize 90 seconds of speech?! And the musical Jersey Boys lip-to-lip synced their way through "who loves yooooou, pretty baaaay-bee."

Oh dear. Well, let's get on with it. In a somewhat chronological fashion, here are style thoughts wielded with a knife.

Nearly everyone seemed a bit uncomfortable with the in-the-round set. You could almost imagine the whole 'backside' half of the audience was comprised of those life-size cutout photographs. Those were certainly the cheap seats where they stuck the crews with unrecognizable faces– hence the awkward about-face on camera when a winner thanked the little people.

So what about those fashions? Of course we picked out favorite dresses: the beautiful deep lavendar silk on Helen Mirren and the full, champagne number on Heroes star Hayden Panettiere. The gowns are flattering, timeless, unconventional for the times. Alright, Helen's hair was terrible. But her facelift is aging well, although the neck under the chin looks a tad pulled to me.

Whatever sartorial elegance the others were striving for was completely undone by wearers' graceless bearing. Why can't more of these women learn how to walk in a gown?!! They stagger side-to-side like they're off to a hoe-down. For heaven's sake, they're actresses! Oh, don't get me started. Katherine Heigl in her lovely hair and Zac Posen gown practically throws her skirt over her shoulder to hike up the stage steps without tripping. These are custom made couture gowns worth tens of thousands of dollars. Learn to walk in them like you own them.

Best dressed, overacting male nominee? Lost Terry O'Quinn (55) hands down. The fuschia shirt was a great standout look in the sea of b&w television. He really pulled it off, though I notice he's been a (upper) denture wearer for some time. You can see the bone reabsorption in the shortened maxilla and hear it in how he pronounces a few words. But he has a real (chubby) wife. I forgive him anything!

Ryan Seacrest may fake knowing fashion as he demonstrated by 'guessing' Eva Longoria's Lacroix shoes (about the same height as his own heels, hmmm...), but he doesn't wear it. Seacrest's shiny tux looked like he recycled a yard waste bag and rip-off tie strip is substituting for neckware. And who puts a necktie on a tux, anyway? Over half the male audience, I guess. Well, it is the Emmys.

And didn't it seem absurd for Seacrest not to mention Sally Field's two Oscar wins or her Emmy for Sybil as evidence of her talent? Why bring up Gidget and The Flying Nun?

"At the heart of Nora Walker, she is a mother, so surely this belongs to all the mothers of the world. May they be seen, may their work be valued. . . And to especially the mothers who stand with an open heart and wait, wait for their children to come home, from danger, from harm's way and from war. I am proud to be one of those women," Sally Field said (she plays a character whose youngest son was deployed at the end of the show's last season). "And let's face it: If the mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddamn war in the first place!"

Do you think Rupert Murdoch's Fox Network censored Sally Field for her vocabulary or the content of her political statement? Field's (60) facelift has aged well, although in 2005 she has pledged with Jane Fonda (69) to have no more plastic surgery going forward.

It seemed that the best extemporanous speeches were those given by film actors. Compare Robert Duval's sincerity or Helen Mirren's poise and polish with the television actors babblings and certain conlusions jump to mind.

It didn't win, but the hilarious nomination of Real Time with Bill Mahr for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series made hometown Minnesotans proud. Our MSP airport mensroom makes us a 'fly-in' state now! Jon Stewart won anyway, though I could swear he had makeup covering a cold sore. Nope, I'm wrong: just a funny upper lip.

Alec Baldwin obviously decided that with global warming and fall temperatures in the 80s we can wear white after Labor Day. I wonder if they sat him next to Al Gore? And wasn't it gratifying to have our chubby, national father-figure inspire the longest standing ovation of the evening?

Lewis Black should not have had Botox placed in his forehead. He's a raging comedian with pacing issues, he needs his full facial expressions! Watch the lateral side of his brows shoot up while the medial corrugators stay depressed and sprung apart. His fashion choice is a compelling statement why men with fat necks should not wear spread collars– but the Windsor knot on his tie was in place for once.

And my last thought? Actually a plea, really. Tell me, please, what did director Alan Taylor say to his wife Nickie and in what language??


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Bride of Botox

Botox has overtaken Hollywood in a big way. The shine reflecting off those smooth, wrinkle-free foreheads is blinding. We need a new term for these shadowless faces. Suggestions anyone?

Approved for cosmetic use by the FDA in 2002, Botox (Botulinum Toxin Type A) has numerous established therapeutic applications. It is a neurotoxin protein produced by a bactierium, one of the most poisonous naturally occuring substances in the world. It acts by blocking neuromuscular transmission, the body's signal for movement. Used in minute doses, it treats conditions caused by muscle spasms, from blepharospasms and dystonias to hyperhidrosis. (That's tics, spazzes, and flop sweat for the lay person.)

It also happens to work quite well on those wrinkles that come with facial muscle movement. In fact, physicians refer to them specifically as "lines of expression," which is also the secret to verifying it's Hollywood use: can the actor in question emote using a full range of natural facial expressions?

Who admits to it? Teri Hatcher confession is perhaps the most common: "In the past I've had Botox and collagen." The picture at right gives the lie to that. It's the same claim made by the author of Beauty Junkies: Inside Our $15 Billion Obsession with Cosmetic Surgery. Alex Kuczynski (39) says botox was her "gateway drug" before she swore off everything. One look at her television promotion for the book tells you she isn't clean just yet.

But a few are open fans. Vanessa Williams (43) endorses it: "I think it's fine...It's a reality that so many people are incorporating into their lives...bring it on!" Virginia Madsen (45) is actually the spokesperson for Allergan, manufacturer of Botox and Juvederm. There's probably not a virgin face in Hollywood over the age of 12 right now. Even the youngest of actors is indulging in 'preventative injecting.' Early intervention immobilizes the movement that causes eventual wrinkling.

Botox is the gold standard for treating crow's feet, brow furrow, and forehead lines. It works by partially paralyzing the muscles creating those wrinkles. Done well, it provides a 'chemical browlift' and rejuvenates the upper third of the face. But a heavy-hand with the needle yields an immobile forehead like Nicole Kidman (40), Marcia Cross (45)...Nicollette Sheridan (43) won't comment. All exhibit shiny foreheads so frozen, it's almost frostbite.

What are the giveaways? Sometimes a still picture is more than enough. A grinning 40-year-old Caucasian woman has wrinkles. Inept technique can yield 'Spock' eyebrows, arched too far laterally or sprung apart medially. In motion, the face no longer emotes within anthropological norms because the eyes and brows don't move. Women in particular express a great deal with the upper third of their face (ask any man). Bad Botox really flattens an actress's range of emotion.

This mixed message has implications elsewhere, as well. Outside of Hollywood, Katie Couric fell victim to incautious use of Botox. John Kerry's presidential bid was almost derailed by a venture into Botox (or the appearance of it). Too much Botox garbles the visual cues for the observer, the face doesn't 'read.' When that happens, the viewer is liable to think all sorts of things.

What's exciting are the new, emerging uses of Botox for pain disorders in dentistry like TMJ (temporal mandibular joint disorder), bruxism, and temporal masseteric fasciitis pain syndrome. How you might ask? Botox works on smooth muscle fibers and, as it turns out, some pain fiber nerve termini– a source of many pain syndromes. Blocking the nerve transmission in pain fibers yields relief for all sorts of neuralgias such as migraines. Major medical research centers are actively exploring new treatment avenues using Botox for many intractable medical problems involving hyperfunctioning of muscle fibers. Emerging uses at Mayo Clinic (search on the word 'botox') include treatment of BPH (benign prostate hypertrophy) and irritable bladder syndrome. There really is a lot to be said for Botox, but don't expect to hear it out of the mouths of Hollywood stars.

Jane Fonda (69) famously blurted out: "No, I have not had Botox. I will see a woman in Hollywood walking towards me and I'll think that I know her but I don't know who she is. It's terrifying. Everyone looks the same....What I like about England is that people look like they're supposed to look."

Now Jane Fonda has had plenty of work done, but she still looks natural and age-appropriate. In moderation, Botox can look natural. Her objection has legitimacy, however. Many of these younger women who seek to emulate a creaseless existence have ended up erasing their individuality, who they are. In some cases they take it to an extreme and change species (think Joan Rivers).

As Cate Blanchett (37) shouted "...just live your life, death is not going to be any easier just because your face can't move!"



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Too Rich, Too Thin

Women think about their weight the way many men think about sex: all the time. So when is thin, TOO thin?

Just these last few weeks too thin has been selling Hollywood gossip rags. In Touch magazine apparently photoshopped out Angelina Jolie's (32) protruding arm veins for its May cover. The normal body fat that gives a smooth contour to the flesh is missing. Her emaciated arms reflect a significant weight drop while grieving her mother's death this past January. And Keira Knightley (22) is in and out of the tabloids. She has long denied eating-disorder rumors and in January of last year she sued a British tabloid for implying she lied about not having anorexia after losing weight during the grueling Pirates shoot. She probably is telling the truth. Neither woman appears to have a pathological relationship to food.

Last February former supermodel Tyra Banks was on the cover of People after having made a huge internet splash in an unflattering bathing suit. The very same month she was featured inside Vanity Fair channeling Audrey Hepburn. At 5’10” and 161 lbs. Banks's BMI is 23.1 and well within the range of normal health. It should surprise no one that the same woman can look fat in a paparazzi shot and stunning in a photo shoot. We all can.

Body Mass Index (BMI) is sophisticated way to calibrate height & weight (BMI=kg/m2) and do away with the "big boned" excuses. Here are the standards used in medicine:

Less than 18.5 = underweight
18.5-24.9 = normal
25-29.9 = overweight
30-39.9 = obese
40 or more = morbidly obese

We are a fat country and getting fatter. Approximately 33% of adult Americans are obese and an additional 32% are overweight. Yet we also have an peculiar national body dysmorphia, where female celebrities are ruthlessly pilloried for appearing at a normal weight. So from where does this national body distortion arise?

One finger points to the fashion industry. Unlike cigarettes and liquor, American is not protecting it's young from the influence of underweight image marketing. For example, Tyra Banks (33) began modeling on the catwalk at age 18 with a BMI of 16.2; by age 20 as she finished puberty she was curvy enough that her agency pressured her to lose 10 lbs. Instead, she switched to underwear/swim suit modeling in 1995. By 1997 she was the first black woman to be featured on a Sports Illustrated cover, then going on to Victoria’s Secret stardom – all with a BMI 18.8! That's just within the range of normal.

Drugs, diet pills, fasting, laxatives are rife in the image industry – very, very few of these women are that underweight by nature. After a spate of anorexic models died or fell ill last year, Madrid Fashion Week city council organizers enacted ground-breaking legislation: mannequins with a BMI of less than 18 (5'9" 123 lbs.) would be banned from the catwalk. About a third of the models who appeared the previous year won't qualify under the new guidelines, top models such as Brazil's Fabiana, Spain's Esther Canadas, Britain's Kate Moss and Estonian Carmen Kass. But Madrid is alone in treating this as a public health issue. The really big fashion venues – Milan, Paris, New York, London – aren't buying in.

"We worked hard to restrict advertising for alcohol and tobacco because of the potential dangers to our young people, and fashion is now the only major industry without health guidelines." –Lynn Grefe, CEO, National Eating Disorders Association

One study found 47% of school girls 5th-12th grade want to lose weight because of magazine pictures – pictures which are photoshopped out of reality (there are whole websites devoted to exposing this.) The print and film media are actively engaged in a manipulation of public perception. The female image school girls buy into is a simulacrum, an unsatisfactory imitation of, a substitute for real womanhood."Even I don't look like Cindy Crawford when I wake up in the morning," admits the famous supermodel.

How serious is it? It’s a mental illness that progressively damages the body, fatal to 15-20% of sufferers. It precipitates more deaths among females aged 15 to 24 than all other causes combined. (It caused Terri Shiavo's heart failure and brain death.) And eating disorders have doubled since 1960s. An estimated 10 million girls and women, as well as 1 million males suffer from anorexia nervosa (starves, obsessive, body dysmorphia, compulsive exercise) or bulimia nervosa (normal weight, binge/purging cycles). There is some evidence of altered brain chemistry that makes it hard to stop. For more information check ANRED.

Of course there are some famous dead Hollywood anorexics, like Karen Carpenter (32) and Margaux Hemingway (41), along with the aforementioned Audrey Hepburn (61). Several stars lived through it and talked afterwards: actress Jane Fonda (69) suffered from bulimia from age 13 to 37.

The current crop of Hollywood sufferers includes many. Nicole Richie (25) repeated bouts of fainting underscore her eating disorder/drug problem. In November, Richie told Us Weekly: "I'm not in rehab, and I don't have an eating disorder. I'm getting the help I need and taking care of my health." Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Mary-Kate Olsen (21), Kate Bosworth (24), Victoria Beckham (33) all share the disease.

There are a few stars in Hollywood speaking out against the pervasive thin image. Cameron Diaz (34) has said:

“We get ideals from images that we see and there certainly should be more responsibility put on those people who are putting those images out into the world. Let’s be a little bit more responsible to what’s realistic.”

Kate Winslet (31), nicknamed 'Blubber' in school, has unapologetically appeared nude in six films. She describes the trend as "unbelievably disturbing." After being Photoshopped into an approximation of supermodel perfection for the cover of a GQ magazine Winslet veraciously complained: “the retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don’t desire to look like that.” Listen to what the GQ editor said in response and take it to heart – and tell your children:

"These days you only get two kinds of pictures of celebrities - paparazzi pictures or pictures like these which have been highly styled, buffed, trimmed and altered to make the subject look as good as is humanly possible. We do that for everyone, whether they are a size six or a size 12. It hasn't a lot to do with body size. Practically every photo you see in a magazine will have been digitally altered in this way."

Want this look? It can't be had surgically, but recovery in a facility can be expensive and ongoing.