Miracle Babies (IVF)

We've just passed our de-paganized egg celebration and all sorts of cute and fuzzy Hollywood coverbabies are on display. That's J-Lo (38) and her $6 million dollar fraternal twins on the front of this month's People magazine.

And Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon (41) has posed with her fraternal twins for JET magazine.

Dennis Quaid and his wife Kimberly (36) were recently in the news when their fraternal twins were mistakenly overdosed in the hospital shortly after birth.

Lisa Marie Presley (40) has just announced on her MySpace page that she is expecting (rumored to be twins just like papa Elvis).

Previous seasons' lineups also featured a lot of multiples. Julia Roberts led the way with premature fraternal twins in 2004 at the age of 36. The stork brought fraternal twins for Beverly D'Angelo (49), Angela Bassett (47), Geena Davis (48), Holly Hunter (47), Jane Seymour (45), and Marcia Cross (44) as well.

Hmmm. Noticing a trend here? Older mothers? Twins anyone?

And then there's the current batch of singletons. Nicole Kidman (40) is 5 months pregnant and to make sure everyone knows, she donned a hideous see-through Prada dress back in February.

Minnie Driver (38) has announced her pregnancy, but the sperm donor is unannounced.

Cate Blanchett (38) is having her third child this April.

Gwen Stefani (38) is about to pop number two.

Julianna Margulies (41) just gave birth to a boy.

Helena Bonham Carter (41) delivered with Tim Burton just in time for the release of their other collaboration, Sweeny Todd.

Halle Berry (41) gave birth to her first, Nahla Ariela, last week. (Nahla is Arabic for 'drink of water,' Ariela is related to the Hebrew for 'lion of god.') Was it easy to conceive? "...[T]here was a lot of staying home and doing what you do. Like, all the time, around the clock," she said on Oprah. "Did you know that they call this a geriatric pregnancy? I cringe when I hear that. I'm like, 'Take that off my chart!' "

So how is it that these famous "elderly" mamas are defying the laws of nature? God loves them more? Well....maybe. In the old Testament, Jacob has two wives, Leah and Rachel, who dealt with menopausal infertility by giving him their respective hand maidens. Infertility specialists are the modern version.

Let's start with a few definitions to wipe that vaseline coating off the camera lens.
MIRACLE: something that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God.
ELDERLY PRIMIGRAVIDA: a woman older than 35 years who is pregnant for the first time.
FERTILE: pregnant within one year of non-protected intercourse.

Everyone has a story about someone's perimenopausal baby miracle - but scientifically that's pretty much what such a pregnancy is: a miracle.

Statistically, a sexually active 40-year-old woman has a 5% chance of conceiving in any given month. A 30-year-0ld has a 20% chance. At age 42, 90% of a woman's remaining eggs are abnormal. These eggs come with an expiration date.

These late-in-life Hollywood babies create false perceptions about fertility that can devastate women planning midlife pregnancies, particularly those of modest financial means.

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is just part of the picture. In vitro is Latin for "in glass," ie, outside the living organism (or Hollywood womb if you prefer). IVF is the technique in which egg cells are fertilized by sperm in the petri dish. The fertilized egg (zygote) is then squirted into the uterus. To improve the odds, more than one zygote is transferred at one time, which leads to the rising incidence of multiple births.

The second piece of the picture is the egg itself. Egg quality is the primary barrier to pregnancy in older women. The live birthrate for IVF using a woman's own eggs is 25% for 30-year-olds, 16% at age 40, 9% at 42, 5% at 43, 2% thereafter. And retrieval of those eggs from hyperstimulated ovaries is no picnic either.

However, IVF pregnancy rates soar when the egg is donated by a younger woman and implanted into the hormonally-enhanced elderly uterus. It's safe to assume that the celebrity women pregnant in their mid-40s are using donor eggs. Some admit to it, most do not.

For a good primer on egg donation and gestational surrogacy (the borrowed uterus), Wikipedia is your friend.

The Flesh Trade (Prostitution)

Rumor has it that Wall Street traders now believe in God.

Today we talk about the flesh trade practices of the rich and famous.

Well, perhaps $80,000 less rich over an unspecified period of time. Soon-to-be-former Governor Spitzer paid $4,300 for his pre-valentine's day date and there was a "credit" left over for future sessions. It's hard to imagine what came up.

We now know that the hourly rate for high-end prostitution beats most day jobs. The Emperors' top (and questionable) fee of $31,000 per day was more than even Britain's wealthiest man was willing to pop for: the "dull and demanding" Duke of Westminster topped out at the $1,000/hour services. Supposedly, the Emperors Club set its fees according to the “individual education, sophistication and and ambiance created by each of our models.” But maybe that's not what famous men want when they visit prostitutes.

Prostitution is defined as sexual activity in exchange for remuneration. On screen it's simulated but the transaction still takes place: it's sex for money. Off-screen at the Emperors Club VIP it's the real thing.

Just how many degrees of separation are there between the high priced hookers at the Emperors Club and the Hollywood actresses who use their sexuality to achieve a similarly exalted paycheck?

There are, of course, the stars who consent to play hookers on screen. So many, in fact, that prostitute roles (and all the euphemistic variations) are cliche. And then there are the hookers who service the stars out on the street (hello Hugh, hello Divine). And there are even the hookers turned screenwriters who win Oscars for their work (you didn't think she was born with the name Diablo Cody, did you?).

But the real money is in pandering to the movie-going John. It's the fans that buy the simulated sex on the screen. Showing bare breast in a Hollywood movie is de rigueur for actresses high and low. Why? Because it sells.

At it's most crass is Lindsay Lohan ripping off Marilyn Monroe with photographer Bert Stern's help. (Both the breasts and sun damaged skin are real.)

There are websites devoted to cataloguing every instance of "breasts, bush, buns" on film. Maintained by a crack cadre of skinterns, these movie reviewers are the unsung trainspotters of titillation. One celebrity nude database allows you to search on any actress's (or actor's) name and find out which pieces of flesh appeared in which film. For instance, Nicole Kidman has done her typical role, frosty and naked, in 15 mainstream films to date. Go ahead, try to find a prominent actress who hasn't flashed on-screen.

There are some striking gender differences. Despite films to the contrary (in The Wedding Date Debra Messing rents escort Dermot Mulroney for $6,000 plus first-class trans-Atlantic airfare), very few women are interested in paying thousands of dollars for hired sex. We pay in other ways.

Maybe that's why very, very few Hollywood films feature male genitalia on screen. Or even a naked rear end. In Somethings Gotta Give (2003) we get three opportunities for a leisurely study of Jack Nicholson's prosthetic buttocks, but it was was Diane Keaton who gave a full frontal. (Faithful readers, not one image could I find online.)

In Eastern Promises (2007), Viggo Mortensen sports nothing but his tattoos in probably the most violent four-minute screen fight to date. But it is one of the very rare instances in mainstream film where a major male character is shown fully nude.

Boyish actor Emile Hirsch floats naked Into the Wild (2007) as Chris McCandless. Briefly. In the distance.

None of the above film portrayals of male genital gee-whiz involve any sexual simulation stimulation. The closest we get may be Brokeback Mountain (2005). And you still had to use your imagination to visualize the naughty bits.

An explicit male nude scene is invariably hailed as evidence of an actor's "serious commitment to the role." When an actress takes her clothes off, everyone knows that line is a joke.

Women disrobe on-screen with a thousand-fold greater frequency because they're selling. They're selling to the movie industry to get the role and ultimately to the movie-going John. Men just don't have to put out to make it in Hollywood.

Hollywood Hunks - Aging or Not?

The life-cycle of the leading man used to be predictable: the bigger the film star, the more you could bank on the four phases. Every 10-12 years these male actors would metamorphose, thereby holding old fans and gaining new ones as they aged. Think of Clark Gable, Gary Cooper, James Stewart and Henry Fonda. The changes wrought by aging were embraced, or at least capitalized on.


The NYTimes cites the 1959 classic western Rio Bravo as a freeze frame of the "Four Ages of the Movie Star:"

"[f]irst comes the rebellious young adult (Ricky Nelson, as a cocky gunfighter) who evolves into the conflicted middle-aged professional (Dean Martin, as the deputy with a drinking problem), who turn into the trustworthy elder statesman (John Wayne, as the self-sufficient sheriff), who eventually gives way to the lovable old coot (Walter Brennan as, well, the lovable old coot)."

Interestingly, RioBravo is a film in which the plot is simply a token and it is the nuanced characters which are essential.

Contrast this with today's aging action figures: nothing slows them down. They capitalize on the franchise, no older, no wiser. The biggest stars of yesterday didn't resist the transition to sagging jowls and character-etched visages. Today's stars make use of every trick that drugs, surgery, and the camera can offer in order to appear trapped in a time warp.

Sylvester Stallone (61) notoriously did it with hGH, gym time, and lots of plastic surgery. Before filming the comedy Oscar (1991) he had his first surgery, a unilateral direct browlift to correct a birth injury brought on by high forceps. Since then Rocky has had his nose broken, more brow work, belpharoplasty, and a facelift (2006). And probably botox and facial fillers.

Harrison Ford (65) went in for reputedly once went in for hair transplants & coloring in the 1980s and now a very young wife. But even without plastic surgery, his upcoming appearance in the upcoming 4th installment of Indiana Jones seems to confirm what's changed about today's leading macho man roles. Nothing.


Ford plays the same archeologist adventurer over a 20 year span doing the same stunts. The script may joke about aging, but essentially he doesn't age. Ditto for Bruce Willis (52) who is dying hard for the fourth time in 20 years. Hollywood uses every digitalized sleight of hand to make them appear unchanged.

Perhaps the exception to the pre-video cinema time machine was Cary Grant, the epitome of the seductive man – sauve, sophisticated, marvelously dressed. He never looked really young even in the 1930s when he landed on-screen and he never looked really old when he left the screen at age 62.

George Clooney (46) is heir to the Grant's bespoke shoes. Male actors can command a long life as romantic leads, just as they do in real life. The standards for masculine sex appeal are broad and encompass some aging, unlike the standards for action hero virility which requires that time stop.

Will Clooney make it to 62 without resorting to surgery? If he continues to emulate Cary Grant, it will be by making no attempt to hide his true age. So far, he hasn't.

According to the NYTimes, "[t]he stars who emerged in the 1960s and early ’70s — before cable television, home video and the Internet began to divide the audience into discrete demographic groups — will likely be the last generation to make it into coothood with their popularity more or less intact: Clint Eastwood (77), Jack Nicholson (70), Al Pacino (67)."

Stars like these have moved on with the times and chosen roles reflective of their age, despite modest plastic surgery. Jack Nicholson had a direct browlift after his first film success Five Easy Pieces. Robert Redford (70) had a blepharoplasty many years ago. Eastwood (despite misleading pictures) has not. Robert Duvall (77) has not. Warren Beatty (70) has perhaps had an upper blepharoplasty years ago, but nothing obvious.

Their behaviors and mates may not be age-appropriate, but their looks are.

But for stars who arrived in the late seventies, after movies moved out of the theatre, the options are very different. They are a generation of young actors aging on the small and large screen, their films out of chronological order. It includes the likes of Tom Cruise (45), Leonardo DiCaprio (33), Brad Pitt (44), Matt Damon (37) and Will Smith (39). Will they do without plastic surgery?

It's unlikely today's fans will tolerate their favorite stars getting any older. Tell us what you think.

Like the songs you heard on-air?

Roses are Red, Violets are Violet

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I get so turned on
Just by thinking of him...um, no wait, I mean you, YOU.

So who will be your FBFF or FGFF this year? What, you haven't picked out your Hollywood Valentine yet? Let's get that done!

You can say it with an e-card, if you like. My personal favorites reside here. But how do the rich and famous usually meet up? Not online at Match.com surely (or is that why those men don't post their photos??). No, no, no, they do it the old fashioned way – via work!

Sarah Jessica Parker did not have to resort to any of the obsessively sleezy tactics used in "Sex and the City." Future hubby Matthew Broderick was directing her brother in a play production and got an introduction that way. Julia Roberts met her cameraman husband on a set. Jessica Simpson met Nick Lachey at the Hollywood Christmas Parade. Will Smith auditioned Jada Pinkett for his hit show and hired her as a bride instead. Rita Wilson first met Tom Hanks on the set of "Bosom Buddies." Ditto for Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas. And on and on.

Alright, so maybe you won't be having that chance meeting Brad Pitt over movie scripts. But you never know! Get that special dispensation from your current spouse/lover/FB to indulge with the Hollywood star of your choice – should the opportunity arise.

So, you've picked him/her? Good.

Now, let's say you do meet George Clooney shopping in the local produce aisle. He thinks you're hotter than the tomatoes. You take him back to your candle-lit love pad (the better to camouflage the school science project that overtook the family room). You want to seduce him. Now, what mood-music do you put on to make your Hollywood hottie feel a bit squidgy down there? It's going to take something kind of unconventional, don't you think? Here are some suggestions.

Is your celebrity FGFF/FBFF:

money-hungry? F-Me Pumps
recently dumped? Last Request
May-December sex? Baby Love
party-hardy? Tainted Love
serial dater? Oops I Did it Again
narcissistic wonder? Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You
what, another narcissistic? To Know Him Is To Love Him
another? I'm Too Sexy

Or maybe you just want to BE your Hollywood celebrity. Why resist?

I want Angelina Jolie's lips....
There are hundreds of OTC topicals that promise to make our lips look fuller. They irritate the skin and cause inflammation, temporarily making the lips rosier and plumper. It's quick, it's cheap, it's soon gone.

But the Angelina Jolie look? We're talking lip fillers here, mondo amounts, to even approximate what nature gave Jolie. The injections are painful and the result is a little unpredictable – so plan ahead.

Never, never agree to let someone stick needles in your lips without a dental block first. Remember the homunculus man? There are more sensory nerve endings in your lips than in your genitals! Of the various brands on the market, most fillers need topping up every four to six months. You may bruise and puckering is temporarily inhibited, so go two weeks before that hot date for best results.

I want Beyonce's bootie....
If you're looking for a quick bootylicious fix, you can create the illusion with padded lingerie. Check out the "butt bra" modeled after the coveted Brazillian derrière. Or you can go for buttock augmentation surgery ("Brazilian butt lift") using silicone implants or fat grafting and transfer from other areas of the body.

The long-term plan? Go for "skater's butt": anything requiring lots of squats and hip extensions will maximize the gluteus maximus.

I want Nicole Kidman's wicked eyebrows....
You can have them, as you can see she isn't using them just now, whilst gestating. Yes, her forehead lives again!

Just a small amount of Botox will give you a more natural result – if malevolent isn't the Valentine vibe you're going for. Schedule the first session at least two weeks ahead so more can be added if needed. The FDA is looking into a dose effect phenomenon; there has never been a death reported with cosmetic use of Botox. The wrinkle reduction dosage in the face can be 20 to 25-units, a fraction of the 600-unit dosage that may be used to treat a muscle spasticity in children with cerebral palsy.

I want Scarlett Johansson's cleavage....
This could be a bit of a problem if you're less than a DD-cup. But surgical breast augmentation is always an option, and the price has come way down (market demand, you know).

But something in time for Valentine va-voom? Let's try a colorful push-up bra. Don't go cheap, either, since you want to both have it look and feel good (so to speak). Enhance it with a strategic application of eye shadow and Eau de parfum. Then, don your gown and go for it. It's casual? Perhaps then something sleeveless that buttons down the front: men really go for the accidental peek-a-boo gap or escaping bra strap.

Me? I've got on my Chanel Rouge Allure lipstick – in the shade "Brilliant," thank you. I'm ready.

No SAGging Allowed Awards

Now that the Golden Globes has been reduced to a press conference and who knows what will happen to the Oscars, Sunday's Screen Actors Guild Awards had to provide a boost to a Hollywood pulled down by the writers' strike. The writers' union granted a waiver in support of their actor pals for 14th annual SAG Awards. Not that there was any sagging to be found amongst all those strapless dresses.

It might interest you to know that, unlike any other awards show, at this one the stars have to eat on camera. The executive chef said "We want it to be tasty and clean — no linguine, no meatballs." Just like the present Queen of England, one should never eat garlic, long pasta, or messy tomato sauces in public. However, I suspect her namesake did, on occasion, eat with her hands.

Female Actor in Leading Role

Of the five nominees here, our two favorites Cate Blanchett (37) and Julie Christie (66) are both (relatively) unoperated – and their three-dimensional roles show it. Can you imagine a facelifted Christie trying to convince us that she has Alzheimer's? Or Blanchett playing Dylan with a bobbed nose? Blanchett has long been outspoken about women (and most recently teens) and plastic surgery. Christie admits to a tightening of her jawline in the 1990s: "I'm tempted every time I look in the mirror. You want to get your familiar face back when you see all the lines around your chin, neck, eyes, mouth, arms and everything else." She is a perfect example of judicious, excellent work, most likely an endoscopic lower facelift.

Marion Cotillard (32) is French, so it almost goes without saying that her face is her own; look under her eyes. For her role as Edith Piaf "her hair was shaved back to create Piaf's high forehead. Her eyebrows were shaved off and redrawn as fake lines. Make-up for the older Piaf - she died at 47 but looked 30 years older - took between three and six hours."

Angelina Jolie's (32) lips are her own. All you have to do is look at her teenage photos. It's her nose – her nose! that was done. As for her supposed pregnancy with twins? Check out this photo gallery: can't see it in her breasts yet.

Male Actor in Leading Role

Alright! Finally an all-silicone actor is nominated...no wait, you mean Ryan Gosling got the nod, not Bianca?? Oh well. Good thing he brought his sister, instead. He wore the Hollywood version of a black arm band in memory of poor Heath Ledger: a black lapel ribbon. Winner Daniel Day Lewis memorialized him as well.

And about George Clooney (46) supposedly "admitting" that he'd had eye surgery during an interview with Julia Roberts a year ago – it was a joke, friends, a joke.

Female Actor in TV

Winner Queen Latifah (37) has been very open about her post-weight loss breast reduction surgery in 2003, but laments being made only a DD! Maybe that's why she didn't show up.

Vanessa Redgrave (71) has played the facelift role in Nip/Tuck, but she also appears to have done it in real life about a decade ago. Click on the photo and compare her tragus (the cartilage in front of the ear opening) with that of Peter O'Toole's (75) from the film Venus. She's had a lift; he has not. But he has had other work done – on his nose and eyes.

Ellen Burstyn (75), another nominee, looks to have had a a very nice facelift done a few years ago.

Male Actor in TV

No fun here. Winner Kevin Kline didn't show up, either.

Okay, okay....on to the really important stuff. My favorite dress? The beautiful Korean-inspired gown of Sandra Oh.